In a week, I’ll be 30. The big 3-0. I’ll be leaving behind my twenties, entering a new phase of my life. I decided to send this newsletter a week before my thirtieth birthday - I’ll turn 30 on February 16. It made sense to me to close this chapter of my life by writing about what I call the Decade From Hell™️.
My twenties : The Decade from Hell™️
I remember sitting in my bed and reading peacefully until my ex decided to show me a video.
“Watch this! You need to watch this!”
(Honestly, don’t watch this. It’s depressing.)
I remember watching this and hearing my ex telling me that we needed to be successful by 30, that we needed to buy that house, have that career and have the money. We needed to be a power couple, power people. “People looking at us have to envy us” he used to say.
Just writing these words makes me feel uneasy. Oof.
The first half of my twenties were dominated by the perspective of being the best at everything. The best in my (boring) career, the best in my (obviously failing) relationship, the best at achieving milestones (I didn’t want to achieve). Nothing was ever enough, I learned from my ex. I should always want more, never be satisfied by what I had. My twenties were years controlled by an ex who hated himself enough to make me hate myself. They were years of wanting to go back to school in journalism and not doing it because I was scared. They were years of hearing that I wasn’t doing as good as he wanted me to do. They were years of compliance and being in a box. Until they weren’t. Until I left.
I left at 26 years old, bordering on 27 years old. I had spent 11 years living the dreams of someone else and I had to salvage a bit of what was left of my twenties, right? Well, I tried the best I could, which ended up in lots of drinking, lots of random hookups, lots of trying to find the path I wanted to pursue in my life.
When I think about my twenties, nothing seems to come to my mind. It feels like a long dream, something I went through without noticing it, as if it was a long ride in a bus and I slept through it.
Sometimes, my mind goes back to this video. I think about it and listen to it from time to time. At first, when watching it, I was disappointed. I had not managed to do anything to be mindful for the years to come. Now, when I listen to it, its content is basically a laughing matter.
I found my calling and started my real career at 29/30.
I started taking care of myself and my life around 30.
I became proud of myself around 30.
I just started dating with intention around 30.
For me, 30 is a new book I can’t wait to begin. It’s one that I can’t wait to explore and delve in. Whatever may come and go.
I had given myself a gift at 29, a year ago. I bought a ticket to Ireland, wanting to visit a land I’ve been dreaming of for a while now. I dreamt of looking at the dark ocean from its high cliffs. I dreamt of its emerald green lands and its architecture. I dreamt of finding myself through its people and its land, its passionate history. We know how things went : the pandemic happened, I didn’t go. But in the end, I found myself where I have always been : at home with my people, with those I love.
In defense of Phoebe Bridgers
So last Saturday, Phoebe Bridgers - the subject of one of my past newsletter - was on SNL with my best friend Dan Levy - who is not my actual best friend. When she finished singing her last song, I Know The End, she decided it was a good time to smash her guitar on the speaker in front of her. Ensued a whole controversy about her smashing her guitar. Some men were quick to give their opinion…
Honestly, while this act has been premeditated - the sparks are clearly fake, it doesn’t change the fact that smashing a guitar has been a part of rock/punk music since forever. The Clash did it, The Ramones did it, Green Day did it, every punk/rock band has done it. When I had dreams of becoming a lead singer in a female punk band, I wanted to destroy my guitar on stage. It was a dream of mine! It gives out rage, shows something stronger than you. Your music is your rage right?
Now, that GenX and Boomers are offended by Phoebe Bridgers destroying her guitar is, in my humble and honest opinion, upsetting. Is it because Phoebe Bridgers, this delicate and blonde girl, is doing an act perceived as masculine/testosterone filled? How bad is it for a woman to show publicly her anger on television? Do people even understand what her song is about - Spoiler alert! It is about an apocalyptic end of the world and about depression? Do they understand that her soft lyrics are basically fueled by anger? Is it because she seems so frail and innocent that she can’t smash her guitar?
Smashing a guitar is a sign of defiance, of anger, of rebellion. It seems like in the mind of many, women cannot rebel or be angry. We can’t break a guitar on live television during a pandemic. As if, the pandemic isn’t a good enough reason to be angry. As if, our government not doing much to control it isn’t a good enough reason to want to destroy everything. As if, we should all be calm and polite.
Fuck off, let us be angry and destroy guitars.
Just a reminder that we weren’t that angry when our Mile-End King, Win Butler, destroyed his guitar on SNL years ago.
This week’s listicle is brought to you by #MWE!
What is #MWE you might ask? The Music Writer Exercise is an annual event on Twitter where Music Writers - or music aficionados, anyone who likes music even - participate to a music challenge! Led by Gary Suarez since 2015, I’ve enjoyed doing this exercise for the past 10 days. Discovering a new album everyday, writing about it is an exercise of style. Also, trying really hard to not use the same words over and over again. Huge thanks to Lars Gotrich for introducing me to this!
I’ve done a playlist of my #MWE discoveries. One song per album I listen to. You can follow it here!
Song of the week
Sometimes, it feels like I can find Ireland without really looking for it. It is the case with Jessica Smyth aka Biig Piig, an Irish rapper and singer. Smyth gained popularity through the performance of her song Vice City with Berlin-based music curator COLORS. Her incredible performance is smooth mixing rap and r’n’b perfectly, for the pleasure of our senses. With Oh No, she changes her registry, flirting with indie-pop. Oh No is unexpectedly sexy. The rhythm is casually low and lingering and her voice transports us through her thoughts. I’ll be following her closely. She’s one to watch for in 2021.
Tweet of the week
California never cease to impress.
The one thing I shouldn’t have bought this week
HEY! FOR ONCE I HAVEN’T BOUGHT ANYTHING I SHOULDN’T HAVE BOUGHT THIS WEEK.
Ok maybe this.
I needed my Muji pens…
Articles I loved to read this week
MY REVIEW OF EMMA BEKO’S BLUE. YAY. - Exclaim!
Parents are having sex on their kids’ furniture…and it is weird. - MEL magazine
A clandestine bar operates in Baghdad…and the bartender is a Syrian refugee. - Associated Press
What does it feel like to be the loser of a beauty pageant? - The Walrus
An interview with Lauren Oyler, author of Fake Accounts, about authenticity and social media. - Gen
You need to listen to…
This episode of The New York Times podcast The Daily that explains exactly what is going on in Myanmar right now.
You should subscribe to…
The Garden, a newsletter detailing cannabis trends and news by Natalie Oganesyan. The subjects are interesting, it is well researched and there’s a lot of new perspective on cannabis and the world around it. As an adult consumer of cannabis, I like reading article and think-pieces about the subject that don’t fall into the pothead cliché. The Garden is exactly what I needed.
Next week, I’ll be 30 when I’ll write this newsletter. For the occasion, can I ask you two things?
As a gift for moi, can you donate to my campaign for Rock Camp Montreal?
If you want to, tell your friends to subscribe to my newsletter. The more, the merrier. I haven’t skipped a beat yet! I’m a little bit late sometimes, but I’m managing to write this at least once a week!
Until next week…
À la prochaine!
-xo
Y.