Hi ITER fam!
Very happy that you are joining in on this new edition of my newsletter. It’s a fun one. I promise.
I’ll be trying something new in the next few weeks, so be ready to see maybe (I say maybe cause I know myself) more newsletters coming into your inbox.
And as usual, if you like it, please share…
…and subscribe!
Now, back to our regular programming.
On a Sunday night, I sat on a bench at Cinéma Moderne (my new favourite place), sipping on an Espresso Martini. I had styled my hair, wearing a cute cardigan and my favourite pair of jeans. I had put on new earrings and decided to wear a red lipstick. Nervous, I waited impatiently for my date to arrive.
No, this is not an announcement telling everyone I'm in an open relationship.
I had a date. A Friend Date. I was finally going to meet Joanie, an Internet Friend. Someone I have admired for so long. One of the first people I followed on Instagram when I created my account. We went to the movies, watched Ira Sachs' Passages, and finally met for the first time.
God, how anxious I was. Maybe even more nervous than when I used to date for romantic purposes. I've always been worried about meeting new people. I'm always afraid it won't work out and it won't be a match. As if being rejected by a prospective friend is scarier than being rejected by a possible lover. As an adult, it even became worse. And in my thirties, making friends seems more daunting than changing jobs.
Joannie arrived, more beautiful than ever. Her golden energy has always attracted me. She shines throughout every pore of her skin. Her smile is contagious. She looks like a Renaissance Muse. Joannie is made of diamonds. Our friend-date went great. We talked like we were old friends. She told me about her trip to Italy, what she looked forward to, and her plans for the next few months. She was as excited by the movie as was I, and we reacted similarly in the same scenes. Everything went exceptionally well. I couldn't help but ask myself “Why am I this frantic?”
In 2019, Snapchat released the Friendship Report, a study on friendships worldwide and how we view them. On average, people meet their best friends at 21 years old. In the report, Chloe Combi, journalist and author of Gen Z: Their Voice, Their Lives, explains friendship in younger generations as "intense and intimate, in some cases, they seem to be replacing the traditional romantic relationships; you see they treat friends almost like a quasi-partner." Does this explain my anxious state from Sunday night?
I won't lie. From 2018 to 2021, my friendships were at the center of my life. My need for a partner was mostly physical rather than emotional. My friends quickly replaced the need for intimate conversations and sharing with a partner. I didn't need a partner; I had platonic partners.
Friendships are more important than partnership in my life. They saved me from dangerous, complicated situations. My friends were always here, ready to answer my call. No relationship ever gave me this secure space to grow — but my current one, my current partner is a gem.
Yet, I still need to figure out how to develop new relationships with people. Fear of abandonment grows silently in the shadows of beautiful, friendly meet-cutes. Rejection hurts when you reach out to someone you admire from afar and feelings aren't reciprocated.
Lane Moore, comedian and author of You Will Find Your People: How to Make Meaningful Friendships as an Adult, understands how friendships can be daunting to develop. But mainly, she argues that our views of friendship might be distorted.
“My earliest memories from childhood are watching, in awe, the depictions of tight-knit friend groups in TV and movies. I’d watch them excitedly on-screen, as though it was a fortune teller showing me a glimpse into my future great-friend-having life. I always assumed that even if I didn’t have the friendships that I saw on TV at that very moment, once I became an adult, they would surely materialize.”
When pop culture exposes you to unrealistic models of friendships — Rory and Lane, Buffy and Willow, Carrie and Samantha, the whole Friends gang, Grace and Frankie, Taylor and Karlie, even Ilana and Abby — it doesn't prepare you to face your insecurities. Moore adds that we have difficulty understanding others because of our expectations of friendships. We want intensity, we want devotion, we want intimacy, and we want it right now!
How can we ask this from friends on a first friend-date when we don't ask this from our prospective romantic partners?! You know what I'm talking about. The moments when you text your friends and ask if you are too intense in your texts or while recalling your actions during the date.
Don't worry. I'm guilty about wanting intimacy right away. I'm guilty of wanting too much from my friends. Those short-lived friendships became the bane of my existence. Until I realized that I should give them time. And because of the time passed and invested, because of communication, because of love and cherished moments, I have Billie, Chloé, Adriana, Susannah, Kalina, Kathleen, Alice, Gabrielle, Lisa, Olivia, Josiane…
I guess the conclusion is MEET NEW PEOPLE AND GIVE YOURSELF TIME. Feel free to reach out to people you admire and make plans with them. You might be surprised by what will happen.
I know I've been. At the end of that Sunday evening, I also gained Joanie as a friend.
Announcing my month of Rest and Relaxation™️
My life has taken a weird turn, and now… well I have too much time on my hands. While this time will be spent relaxing, reading, working on my personal project and probably writing things without any expectation from anyone, I’ve gathered a list of things I’d like to do/make.
Take a pottery class
Walk from my home to… somewhere
Make a cake
Make multiple cakes actually
Go to the museum
Find new ways of exploring my writing
Watch bad reality TV
Meet with friends
Meet new people
Nap
Help a friend during les vendanges
Write more in French
Essay writing in French (?!)
Taking time for myself
The list could go on and on. But hey, if you have any suggestions, I’m open to them.
Coup de heart ♥️
Last week, with my friend Alice, I went to a show. I had the pleasure of falling in love with my good friend Bonbonbon’s newest artist, Arielle Soucy. A mix between a female Sufjan Stevens and The Staves, she speaks to my heart.
I particularly love her latest single, Talk to Me. It reminds me of a cup of tea on a rainy and cold October day. The melody reminds me of Joni Mitchell's early work, even Joan Baez's, and it’s great. I love folk music and seeing local artists embracing a more acoustic genre. Montréal has been going through an overload of psych recently. It’s refreshing to hear someone doing slower, folkier songs.
Listen if you love… Sufjan Stevens, The Staves, Hayley Henderickx, Julia Jacklin
P.S. If you know my love for Vanille, it won’t be a surprise. By the way, Vanille told me they are roommates. I guess I was meant to fall for Arielle Soucy.
This is a longer newsletter. I know. This morning, I told my friend Adriana I wish I could write short pieces.
Maybe I’ll work on this during my month of Rest and Relaxation™️.
Hope you enjoyed this newsletter, and as usual. SHARE, SUBSCRIBE, TELL YOUR FRIENDS.
Until next time,
Y.